How To Be A Creep
A Comprehensive guide on all things stalking, perverted and creepy, because sometimes it's just more fun. (Keep telling yourself that.)
by MICHAEL SEFF
NOTORIOUS CREEP AND FOUNDER OF AMERICAN APPAREL, DOV CHARNEY.
MASTERING CREEP
Staring. It’s essential. Turning your head to the side while staring, now that’s intense. Close-talking is quite an important behavioral trait. But above all, stalking your prey. Only once a day to keep the suspicion away. Thanks to the super-creepy Mark Zuckerberg and his creepy creation, Facebook, stalking is no longer a misappropriation but rather an art form. But simply ogling pictures on Facebook isn’t exhibiting the true grit needed to be a creep. Indeed, it needs to be taken a step further. Maybe two steps. When shopping for clothing on a tight budget, the term “window shopping” is always applicable. Likewise, when shopping your neighborhood, “window watching” is an excellent way to get an inside look at what your fellow peers in their personal lives.
While being a creepy loner is fun, what happens when the time comes to interact with the opposite sex? Any Average Joe can nod his head and pretend to listen to his female counterpart in an attempt to score. But that’s just, well, average. Not creepy. To truly be creepy to the opposite sex, the language has to fit. Perverse sexual innuendos at the most inopportune times in a conversation is a good starting point. Because then it has gone from flirting to pure drooling.
A DREAM SCENARIO
The best fun a creep can have is when someone of the opposite sex digs his lewd behavior. If he can master the art of being sleazy, he can be inside the girl behind the counter at the gym’s pants in a matter of, well, minutes. Her kinky preferences will have her moaning on the cold hardwood floors of the creep’s unfurnished apartment in the slums of the city. Generally for the consummate creep, however, simply prying a phone number from a girl should be considered a major victory.
BACK TO REALITY
The unfortunate circumstances that exist in today’s society is how easy it is to “stalk” your peers online. Between Facebook and instant messaging services that people always seem to post their whereabouts on, it is all too easy for the lazy creep to go to work. Where have the old days gone, before internet, before cell phones, when you actually had to follow your victims in your car? Or wait for them outside their workplace? Or simply prance around their backyard after sunset?
To be a true creep, you must not only know the art, but also have the heart.
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